God Questions?: Submission or Subjugation? A Biblical Perspective & a Woman's Right to Leave

I remember a quote from the movie A Thin Line Between Love and Hate with Martin Lawrence and Lynn Whitfield that said:

“You know, a man just comes along and he buys us off a shelf. Then he plays. Plays with us until he thinks we're no longer fun. Or until he gets us all dirty, right? Then he just wants to throw us away.”

This was at the forefront of my mind as I sought to answer the submitted question this week:

When does submission become domination/abuse? And if a woman decides to leave, biblically can she go?

I may have an oversimplified view, but as I reflected on this question—particularly during the sermon series addressing marital roles—I felt it best to return to Scripture. The text that most clearly outlines marital roles and the relationship between the Church and Christ is found in Paul's letter to the Church at Ephesus.

In this letter, Paul writes to a congregation living in a Greek culture in a seaport town. This culture was rampant with polytheism and hostile to YHWH God. Paul explains that although they once lived outside of God's will, there is new life in Christ, bringing unity, purity, and joy. He begins the epistle by emphasizing the blessings they have in Christ and their privilege to belong to Him. Paul then transitions to their response: they should live in a manner worthy of their calling. Their lives, as heavenly citizens, must reflect their identity, even in a city where many may not acknowledge God.

Fast-forwarding to a key point in the letter, we arrive at Ephesians 5:21:

“Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
(Ephesians 5:21, ESV)

At the beginning of chapter 5, Paul calls believers to walk in love by imitating God. Within the Godhead, there is mutual submission—a theological concept known as Perichoresis. This term describes the mutual indwelling and fellowship of the Father, Son, and Spirit. The Father does not dominate or infringe on the Son; the Son does not impose on the Spirit; and so forth. There is a harmonious submission within the Trinity. Should this not also characterize the Body of Christ—and, by extension, marriage?

Paul states in verse 21 that Christians should embody Christ's “new” philosophy of life. What does this look like in marriage?

Wives

Paul succinctly addresses the role of the wife in three verses. He instructs wives to willingly place themselves under the headship of their husbands. The Greek word for "submit" is ὑποτάσσω (hypotasso), meaning "to submit to the orders or directives of someone." (Louw & Nida, Greek-English Lexicon of the NT). Wives are called to submit to their husbands in everything.

This is a simple statement, but a difficult command. Submission requires self-denial, self-control, and trust, which can leave one vulnerable to potential hurt. Yet, this relationship mirrors the Church's submission to Christ. The Church lowers itself in humble submission to Christ, denies fleshly desires in obedience, exercises daily self-control, and trusts that Christ is on a mission from the Father.

Husbands

Paul devotes nine verses to the role of the husband. If husbands are to submit to their wives, their submission must emulate Christ's submission to the Church—a submission willing to die for her sanctification and elevation.

Consider Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, overwhelmed to the point of sweating blood (a condition known as hematohidrosis). Despite His flesh desiring to avoid the cross, His Spirit submitted to the Father’s will for our redemption (Matthew 26:39). Similarly, husbands must be willing to sacrifice themselves for their wives' well-being.

Submission is not about providing material extravagance but ensuring the wife is spiritually and physically nourished, so she can be presented in splendor to God. A husband cannot verbally or physically abuse his wife and still fulfill this role. Being the head means leading sacrificially to benefit the wife.

Covenant vs. Contractual Marriage

In a covenant marriage, both spouses live in mutual submission and self-giving love. Domination and subjugation arise when the marriage becomes contractual: “I will be a husband/wife as long as you __________.”

A covenant marriage says: “I will submit and offer unconditional love, no matter what.” Abuse begins when one spouse stops giving and starts demanding. Within a Christian marriage, we are led by the Spirit of God—not by human demands—to reflect our heavenly citizenship.

Abuse and Leaving

Abuse occurs when a spouse deviates from their God-given role. But what happens when a spouse decides to leave? Can they do so biblically?

Jesus did not end His submission to humanity despite our disobedience. He remained faithful, pursuing salvation and redemption. As Christians, our mission should align with Christ's: reclaiming people and relationships.

However, Scripture permits divorce in cases of sexual immorality (Matthew 5:31-32, 19:8; Mark 10:3-5). Regarding abuse, Paul addresses a different scenario: when a believer is married to an unbeliever. In such cases, separation is allowed, though reconciliation is encouraged if possible, to lead the unbelieving spouse to salvation.

Conclusion

When does submission become domination/abuse? Submission becomes abuse when a spouse stops giving and starts demanding.

Can a woman leave? Biblically, a wife may leave if the covenant is broken through infidelity. Otherwise, she may separate but must remain single unless reconciliation occurs.

Ultimately, God desires the redemption of relationships and the preservation of marriage as a testimony to the Gospel.

If you have more questions, feel free to submit them. I will do my best to answer.

Be blessed,
C.W. Stephens